Secrets

I’ll keep you my dirty little secret…

All American Rejects – Dirty Little Secret

Secrets, secrets, secrets.  Everyone has a secret.  Most people have more than one.  Some people have closets filled of secrets from wall to wall from top to bottom from front to back.  Is the door threatening to break off its hinges?  Does the door thump to the rhythm of the tell-tale heart?  Does a voice chant out the list of secrets in your mind?

This is one of my secrets.  This blog.  This life.  These thoughts.  If you were to see me on the street you would know none of them.  If you were family, a friend, a coworker, a complete stranger, you would see nothing about this part of me.  I keep it hidden in my mind, behind locks and chains and wooden panels.  No light can get to my secrets.  No sound can come from them.  They are hidden as the skeleton in the closet of my mind.

I hide.  I keep this part of me hidden from the world.  It escapes and is let free while I’m online.  The blessings of the anonymity of the internet.  I wonder about letting this secret out, letting the people I see on a day to day basis see this part of me.  I’m afraid.

I lie.  I lie to myself.  I tell myself I’m not afraid of people knowing.  I tell myself I don’t care about what others think of me.  I’m lying.  I’m terrified of other people knowing.  No, I’m not afraid of their knowledge.  I’m afraid of how they will think of me.  I’m afraid of their ignorance.  I’m afraid they will judge me.  I’m afraid they will treat me differently.  I’m afraid they will be afraid.

I’m good at keeping secrets.  No one knows.  I feel safe.